Merry Christmas From the Family!
For many Christmas is a time of giving, and family, and partridges in pear trees. People get excited over ice skating, and chocolate chip cooking with milk, and visiting Santa at the mall. For me, nothing makes Christmas Christmas quite like my family and our family get-togethers.
Let me paint a picture for you:
Food covers the tables not just in the dining room, but the kitchen as well. We are stocked to feed a small army, and yet there are only 14 of us. The family says their hellos, Happy Holidays, and exchanges hugs. People swarm around the appetizers set out in the kitchen and the bar to the side. Food and booze are of the utmost importance. We eat, we laugh…we drink. Fast forward to a few hours later: Frank Sinatra is blaring in the background as a 250 pound man with reindeer antlers on bellows the tune while simultaneously stumbling into a can-can. He clenches a candy cane color stuffed monkey, that at one point sang and danced but has since lost it’s juice. He cradles the stuffed monkey like a baby, since at this point he has been told he is not aloud to hold the actual babies of the family for fear of their life. His niece joins the man in his show, then his son. A line is formed to complete a Rockettes-esque show as “That’s Life” blare over their out-of-tune voices. We laugh and take pictures…for evidence. The girl somehow manages to get hit in the face and blood gushes from her nose. The show goes on. It is nearing 1:30am at this point and eventually the music is quieted and talk of heading home begins. “Wait!” one girl yells. “We haven’t even opened our presents!” Coats adorned, scarves tied, gloves in hand—we all stare at each other in disbelief. It is 1:30am the morning AFTER Christmas, and we have yet to open a single present. We all promptly peel off our outerwear and begin the “pass the trash” version of Secret Santa we have come to love for years now. The point of the game is to buy the most ridiculous gift possible. As we rip open the gifts crappy American marketing paints the floor in “as-seen-on-tv” products. The Sinatra loving man is the last to go, saving the best for last. He opens the box to find candy cane colored shot glasses. She smiles and thanks his sister. “Oh, they’re edible!” She informs him. His eyes light up like a kid on…well, Christmas morning, to be cliché. He tears the box open and removes the glasses. He hands one to his niece sitting next to him to try and he devourers the other. It was the Tootsie Pop commercial in real life—“Mr. Owl? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” That stupid owl never could go without giving that sucker a good bite…and these two acted in the same fashion. Candy cane fell from their mouths onto the floor as they laughed hysterically at the fiasco. Another Christmas with the family, another success.
A Comedian’s Holiday Advice!
(CNN) — Holiday gatherings can be rough. You have a sneaking suspicion Uncle Joe is going to have a drink or five too many, and you’re still wincing about that great gift your brother’s girlfriend gave you last year, when you didn’t get her a thing.
Comedian Rob Riggle is here to provide a little inspiration. We asked Riggle — a former “Daily Show” correspondent who also appears in CBS’s “Gary Unmarried” and films including “The Hangover” — to suggest some mischief for those awkward holiday moments.
And for those without the comedic chops to follow his lead, we’ve also sought expert advice from stress management consultant Kathleen Hall, founder and CEO of The Stress Institute, and Stephanie Smith, a licensed psychologist in the Denver, Colorado, area and contributor to the American Psychological Association blog “Your Mind Your Body.”
Scenario 1: Someone gives you a gift, but you didn’t get him/her one
Riggle’s take: Thank goodness for current events.
“This is a good year for that,” Riggle says. “If that happens this year, you pat down your pockets, or pull them out and show that they are empty, and you say, ‘Aw, man, I’m so sorry — the recession and all.’
“And that’s it, you’re off the hook. And you’re one up on presents.”
Expert advice: Smile graciously, say thank you, don’t feel guilty, and don’t decide on the spot that you’re going to give something in return, Smith and Hall say. Gift-giving doesn’t always need to be reciprocal.
“[Being thankful] is more important than stammering, ‘I forgot your gift and I’ll bring it tomorrow,’ ” Smith says.
Scenario 2: A relative bugs you with personal questions
Riggle’s take: Is the spotlight on you after Uncle Jim asked about your unemployment? Use it.
“If you can deliver it with a straight face, tell them you’re thinking about becoming a rapper,” Riggle says. “That will get them off your back.
“Give them a little demo of the rapping skills. That’s always nice, have a little rap in your pocket. Give them a taste. But you have to commit to it, like, ‘My name is Rob, and I like corn on the cob’ — something that’s awful, but make them believe you’re sincere about it.
“That usually will work on at least getting them to talk to each other instead of you.”
And if you’re interrogated about your nonexistent dating life?
“I think being a little obnoxious at the top would signal you’re not appreciating the conversation,” Riggle says. “If they ask when you are getting married, say, ‘Tomorrow.’ That’s letting them know, ‘OK, he’s not going to answer me seriously,’ and they’ll be off your back.”
Expert advice: Come up with canned responses now — ones that answer the question sufficiently but put a period on the topic.
“Somebody that has been out of work a long time probably doesn’t want to talk about being unemployed,” Smith says. “You may say something like, ‘Thanks so much for asking. I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations with a lot of people about a lot of jobs, and I’m looking forward to 2010.’
“That leads to the next topic. You can say, ‘Speaking of 2010, what are you doing for New Year’s?’ “
Scenario 3: You arrive with a new significant other, but your friends and relatives are loyal to the previous one
Riggle’s take: “You have to sell how happy you are,” he says. “This is where it falls on you to be your absolute best. You really have to sell your joy and love for the world. You’re leading the carols. Then they’ll have to say, ‘Wow, you’re really happy. Your joy cannot be denied.’ “
And what will the new date think?
“The new partner will love it,” Riggle says. “She won’t know why you’re happy. She’ll think, ‘Hey, this guy loves family. Maybe I’ll want to marry him.’ It just works all the way around.”
Expert advice: The best defense is a great offense. Walk straight up to people and confidently introduce him or her. “That can take people who thought they had the upper hand off guard, because you’re showing confidence,” says Hall, the Stress Institute founder.
In case someone gives you a weird look, have an escape plan.
“Say [to your date], ‘You wanted a drink, right? Let’s get one.’ Or, ‘Look over there, there’s Fred. I wanted you to meet him, too,’ ” Hall says.
Scenario 4: A relative is drunk and becoming obnoxious
Riggle’s take: Now might be the time to put the fun in dysfunction.
“Generally speaking, when people drink, it’s bad-decision time. That can be a lot of fun,” Riggle says. “That’s an opportunity to talk them into doing something stupid, like getting them to take off their shirt or wrestle in the living room.”
“Also, alcohol serves as a truth serum, so that’s the time to ask those tough questions. Get that family gossip out there, like the time cousin Eddie pooped his pants or something along those lines.
“These opportunities only come around so often — weddings and holidays, that’s it. Milk them for all you can get. That’s the time to get the family dish.”
Expert advice: Hall and Smith say it’s generally best not to engage the heavy drinker, lest you risk an ugly scene. Hall, though, adds that someone with a good relationship with the person may want to kindly ask him or her to tone it down. “Don’t shame them in front of others — take them into the next room and talk to them,” Hall says.
Smith says visitors can prepare an exit strategy: “Talk with your partner or kids and say, ‘If Aunt Suzie starts screaming, that’s our cue to go home.’ “
Who Are They?
While reflecting on my writing, I’ve noticed that I use the phrase “They say…” quite a bit. Who are “They” anyway?
They have told us not to sit too close to the TV,
and They’ve said a picture is worth a thousand words.
Yet, they say actions speak louder than words…
so how many actions is a picture worth?
They say don’t slouch,
chew with your mouth closed,
no singing at the dinner table.
They say dance in the rain,
live like there’s no tomorrow,
and that you’re only as young as you feel.
They say ignorance is bliss,
and They say ignorance breeds hate.
They say you can’t always get what you want,
and They say if you try hard enough you can achieve anything.
They say that only the good die young,
and then They tell us to let it be.
They say time changes everything,
then they say that we are the change we wish to see in the world.
They say all that glistens isn’t gold,
and that nothing gold can last.
Most of all, through all the conflicting advice,
They tell us to make the most of ourselves,
And I believe that’s a piece of advice worth taking.
My Monday Night Vice
I am falling for television nerds and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! Upon my big move home, many things in my life changed. One was sharing a DVR with my parents—everything is hunky-dory until Dad comes home sauced up and deletes your episodes of “Sunny in Philadelphia” before you get a chance to see them. My parents and I started this DVR relationship watching very different shows: they like “Dancing with the Stars,” I like “So You Think You Can Dance.” They like “The Mentalist,” I watch “Nip/Tuck.” But through our differences we have found shows we wouldn’t normally watch. For me that show is “The Big Bang Theory.” When my mom first told me about their new Monday night show, I chuckled to myself. A show about physicists? How funny could it be?
I am here to tell you, “Big Bang Theory” is slowly becoming one of my Monday night vices…and it’s all Sheldon’s fault! The show is funny in its entirety sure, but the character Sheldon has some of the best one liners on television. His complete ignorance to social norms and his egotistical intelligence just make for great TV! Decide for yourself:
Penny: I’m a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: (confused) Participate in the what?
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don’t you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.
Sheldon: This car weighs, let’s say, 4,000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you …
Penny: 120?!
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
As Leonard fantasizes about his future with Penny …
Leonard: Our kids will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Sheldon: (handing Penny a notebook to takes notes) Here, it’s college rule but don’t be intimidated!
Raj: I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
Sheldon: (In the ER after Penny dislocated her shoulder falling in the shower) Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.
Sheldon: I’m not insane, my mother had me tested!
Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for ’soup’ tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It’s not ’soup’; it’s ‘courage’.
Sheldon: No it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?
Hardships Breed Empathy
My paternal grandmother died when my father was 18, long before I was born. My maternal grandmother passed when I was in 3rd grade. I lost my paternal grandfather in 5th grade, my 16-year-old cousin in 7th grade, a high school friend when I was 20, and my 18-year-old cousin the day I was supposed to graduate college. My cousin suffers from Sarcoma cancer, my mother has Scleroderma, and a close family friend was just told she has a golf ball size brain tumor this weekend. And through it all I have become a better person.
I believe in the hardships of life. It’s what makes us who we are and it’s what builds empathy. No one wants to deal with grief, and many of us need help to get over the pain such events can cause—but at the other end of that long, dark tunnel is a greater understanding. With it comes an appreciation for what you have, for the present, and for others.
My cousin Ashley is the model example of this. Being lead through hell and back since the first day of high school freshman year, Ashley has been diagnosed with one form of epilepsy or another. It wasn’t until recently Ashley was told she had a form of cancer affecting her nervous system. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and I can’t say I would have it all together if I were in her shoes. But the one thing that Ashley has taken from this whole experience, the one thing I idolize her most about is her great compassion for others. Ashley is constantly doing charity work, raising money, and helping kids in need. Her most recent job interviews were with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, a juvenile correction facility, and local hospitals to help tutor kids on long-term stays. When I asked her if she needed someone to talk to about her own situation, she cried and told me, “How can I be upset about what is going on with me when there are people, kids out there who have it so much worse?”
They say ignorance breeds hate. This weekend, at a bar with Ashley (currently cancer free, but sporting a sassy short haircut due to chemo) we saw this phrase in action. A wayward barfly made his way over to Ashley and said, “Hey, I think I’d like to kiss you. I like boys.” Clearly this upset not only Ashley, but me, the friends we were with, and the bartending crew (he was promptly cut off and asked to leave). I had to remind her that a person who was as strong as she was, a person who has dealt with pain and overcome what she has would never utter such a hurtful thing because they know the pain. I had to remind her that, although not at all justified, this pipsqueak of a boy still relying on Mommy and Daddy’s money to get his weekend kicks has never experienced life to its fullest, has never seen the good and the bad, and I feel sorry for him because of that. I pity the person he is because of his ignorance, his lack of experience, and his lack of empathy.
Empathy isn’t something we’re born with, we have to learn it. We have to know the gut-wrenching pain we felt in order to have a sliver of an idea what someone else is going through. It is a compassion that can only be learned through hardships. You might not be able to walk a mile in a cancer patient’s shoes, but you sure know how it felt when you thought your world was falling to pieces around you.
Steven Seagal is After Chuck Norris’s Reputation
Steven Seagal is trying to be the next Chuck Norris, and it will never happen! In case you haven’t heard A&E is starting a new cop show starring none-other than Mr. Steven Seagal. This isn’t a sitcom or drama, however. No, Seagal has jumped on the D-list celebrity bandwagon and started his own reality show (and when I say started, I mean he’s not only starring in but producing the thing, so all things are Seagal’s way or the highway). Apparently, while we were all trying to avoid Seagal’s unintentionally humorous interpretations of action heroes in film, he was working a second job in law enforcement. The man claims to have spent the past two decades working as a deputy sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. Now he’s cashing in!
The show, like his movies, depicts a man who truly believes he is an action hero. Even the intro: “I’m Steven Seagal. That’s right, Steven Seagal, deputy sheriff!” comes across arrogant, overconfident, and out of his league. His outrageous behavior in the show is sure to bring comedic delight to all…though that is not his original intentions. He claims to be able to shoot an arrow so close to a match he can light it without breaking it—and then he breaks it. He claims to have the great capability to point out a “bad guy” before the guy even does anything wrong—every police officer is trained to prevent danger and look for signs of possible threats. Seagal barks driving directions at his partner as they are in a high-speed pursuit—the partner barks back, “Steven, let me drive!”
All in all, my conclusion is that Seagal secretly wants to be Chuck Norris. He has the martial arts training, he had a failed movie career, so now he’s pursuing television with the hopes that those watching will find him just as fascinating as he finds himself. Before long he will be telling his own jokes, “Steven Seagal can kill two stones with one bird!”
Try as you might, Steve-o, I don’t see you knocking ol’ Chuck off his pedestal. If anything, I see him knocking you down a peg or two. Sure you might get some fans, sure people will take the career you worked so hard for and take so seriously and make a mockery of it, but you will never be Chuck Norris. Norris has charm, finesse, and most importantly, he is in shape. You slither about your movies, squinty eyed, using the same tone to express a serious frustration with a missing criminal as the tone you use to coax your mother to sleep when she’s sick. Police officer is one thing, Seagal, but nobody messes with a Texas Ranger!
Silver-Lined Heart
Compliments of Taylor Mali.
(www.taylormali.com)
* * * * * * *
Silver-Lined Heart
I’m for reckless abandon
and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all,
like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car
in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters
and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between.
To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking
wet and smiling breathless;
“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”
we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,
can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power
of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise,
multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell,
injustices that make you mad as hell,
that’s all well and good.
And as far as writing poems goes,
I guess you should.
It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released,
brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me,
honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me.
See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining,
which does not harken to the loudest whining,
but beats and stirs and grows ever more
when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles,
nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.
For the unconditional love of dogs:
may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.
For therapy when you need it,
and poetry when you need it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,
even if it’s only Emergency Champagne
or running through the sprinkler.
Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar,
for the delicate and the resilient and the fragile human heart,
may it always heal stronger than it was before.
For walks in the woods, and for the woods themselves,
by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.
Window seats, and locally brewed beer,
and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:
I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution
unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”
For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining,
and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses
about what you are against, despise, and abhor.
Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you,
put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!
Retro Christmas Cheer!
When I was a kid, long before TiVo or DVR, my mom always taped the Christmas specials as they aired…you know, just in case next year there was a protest against “Prancer,” “Charlie Brown,” “Rudolph,” and all things claymation. Every year I search for those tapes, dig them out of an enormous pile of VHS cassettes (that serve no real purpose anymore), and watch my childhood spin across the glowing television before my eyes. But it’s not the specials I want to see, though I have yet to see a re-run of the “Christmas Claymation Music Video” show hosted by two claymation dinosaurs. No, I watch for the commercials. There is something about the simple pleasures in life, and for me Christmas commercials are it! Here is a list of some of the greatest Christmas commercials I can remember (old and new) in no particular order:
Folgers—“Peter Comes Home” (1985)
A heartwarming mini story of a son coming home for Christmas. He gets home while parents are still sleeping. His cute little sister is so excited to see them, but when she suggests waking their parents, Peter has a better idea! He begins brewing some coffee and soon the rich aroma of Folgers fills the house, awaking his parents. The come downstairs to find their long-lost son sitting before them!
M&Ms—“Candies Meet Santa”
A fairly recent, and currently airing commercial (if it ain’t broke…). Red and Yellow M&M are leaving cookies for Santa. As they walk into the living room they run right into Santa. Both parties are startled, screaming, “He does exist!/The do exist!” Clever.
Hershey—“Bell Choir ‘Wish You a Merry Christmas’”
Another old commercial that still airs, and it still makes me smile. Hersey Kisses are formed in a pyramid shape to form a bell choir. The Kisses play “Wish You a Merry Christmas.”
Fruity Pebbles—“Fred Meets Santa”
Fred is leaving his favorite breakfast for Santa, when Barney enters dressed as Santa. Barney fools Fred to get this colorful breakfast, but only for a minute before Fred realizes what’s up. He snatches back his Fruity Pebbles and reprimands Barney. At this point the real Santa enters and explains to Fred that this really is the “season for sharing.”
7-UP—“Elves on 7UP”
The elves in Santa’s workshop are acting a little crazy. They must have put a little something extra in all that 7-UP they keep getting out of the fridge! My favorite part is the little guy who is pasting cotton balls on a picture of Santa to complete his beard at the end.
McDonalds—“Skating”
We know Ronald is a caring man, and this just proves it! Ronald and his kid friends are skating on a frozen pond along with animated animals—and let the record show, Ronald is quite the trickster on those skates! As they are skating he notices one little guy to the side, not having fun. Ronald skates over, scoops him up, and saves the day!
Coca-Cola—“Polar Bear and Penguin”
The arctic animals are having their crazy holiday parties again, this time the penguins are getting groovy. A few polar bears watch from above, and when one stumbles and falls down the hill, sliding into the middle of the party, the penguins are stunned! Then, one tiny penguin pushes his way through the crowd, and hands the polar bear a chilly Coke.
Honey Nut Cheerios—“Scrooge”
Scrooge is at it again, working hard and taking it out on anyone around him trying to spread Christmas cheer. This year’s victim—the Homey Nut Cheerios bee! All he wants if for Scrooge to enjoy a sweet and nutritious cereal—part of his complete breakfast! Somehow the bee manages to get Scrooge to take a bite, and the man in changed forever!
Campbell’s Soup—“Snowman”
A snowman roams around outside, then finally wonders into a home. He sits at the kitchen table and begins eating a bowl of soup. Horrifying at first, as you know snowmen’s difficulty with heat, the chilly creature begins to melt! And little by little we see that is actually a boy, getting warm after a long day out in the season’s snow.
Coca-Cola—“The Holidays Are Coming”
Everyone enjoys Christmas lights (maybe not putting them up, but they are a real treat to look at), so it’s no wonder this commercial has been a hit. Coca-Cola decorated Mack Trucks with a plethora of Christmas lights. The commercial shows the lit-up trucks diving into dark towns and the jingle “The holidays are coming! The holidays are coming!” plays in the background.
A Letter to Bravo (and Reality Show Producers)
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Linda Holmes!
* * * * * *
A Letter to Bravo
by Linda Holmes
Dear Bravo: We need to talk about the Salahis.
You know, the people who recently attended the White House state dinner in spite of the fact that the Secret Service says they weren’t so much invited?
Now, I’ve seen your Real Housewives franchise. It’s a pretty steep drop, class-wise, from your reality-show origins.
Still, I find it mostly harmless, if dull. It’s primarily a series of vignettes in which people who don’t really do anything get in backbiting arguments with each other — because the very fact that they don’t do anything means that incredibly petty things take on enormously elevated importance. (Most women don’t have time for intense arguments about who did or did not attend a fancy-underwear party at La Perla.) It’s sort of … Theater Of The Insignificant, only all the costumes are encrusted with diamonds.
It’s also, of course, about a lot of goofing around for the cameras by people who fancy themselves massively media-savvy, and who probably want their own lingerie lines or perfumes. And I don’t particularly take offense at that, either. It bores me, but I’m not sure it’s doing anything harmful that wealthy, cocky athletes or annoying musicians aren’t doing with their displays of excess.
At any rate, Bravo, according to what we’re hearing, Michaele Salahi was being filmed on the day of the event either because she’s in the running to become one of the Real Housewives Of D.C. or because she already is one — you appear to be keeping coy about the details. This, of course, is causing yet another wail to rise that reality television is responsible for this incident, much as it was blamed for the Heene Family Balloon Fiasco.
I want to be on your side here, up to a point. That a person who does a ridiculous (or criminal) thing also aspires to make an impression doesn’t, in and of itself, make the person they were trying to impress responsible for their actions. If I burn my house down and say I did it to get on Survivor, that doesn’t mean Survivor in some way encouraged me to burn my house down. There’s no indication that burning your house down, after all, would do you any good in trying to get on Survivor. In that sense, it’s no different from burning my house down and saying I did it to get a speaking part on How I Met Your Mother.
(This is part of why the balloon business was so baffling as a stunt to get a reality show — that’s actually an extremely bad way to get a reality show. “Guy who endangers his kids with his bizarre hobby” really isn’t a popular genre, the way “parents with oversized family” and “tough guys doing dangerous jobs” and “people competing in artistic fields” are. In fact, after the hoax was uncovered, Lifetime (which runs Wife Swap reruns) pulled the episode, rather than heavily promoting it.)
But this defense, that you cannot account for everything people will do to try to impress you, goes out the window if you don’t pull these people from consideration.
Watching what happens, after the jump …
If you put these people on the show — if “create security incident at White House” leads to “next on Real Housewives — then you become responsible. Not just for this, but for the next person, too. If the furor over the Salahis’ escapade helps get them on The Real Housewives Of D.C., then here’s the takeaway for your target reality-show wannabes: “Anything you do, even if it leads to possible criminal charges, is considered a plus for your participation if it receives attention.”
Beware that road.
We’ve already had a disastrous American Idol auditioner commit suicide outside Paula Abdul’s house. And while the show was clearly nowhere near the only problem that particular young woman had, it should be a reminder that when you deal with people to whom you are paying attention because of their extreme behaviors, you don’t really know what you’re going to get.
What wily television producers really want is a situation that, to a great degree, they can control. The more outrageous the plea for attention, the more volatile a situation you’re potentially creating. Be careful what you reward.
I don’t tend to be a hand-wringer when it comes to most of this stuff. The fact that some people will go wildly overboard to try to become famous isn’t a new thing. And it wasn’t brought about by the advent of reality shows. Fame and attention aren’t intoxicating because of The Real Housewives Of Wherever; you didn’t create that.
But if you sign on with this woman knowing this about her, then don’t expect to wash your hands of it if she does something even goofier, or if someone hoping to score a spot on the next edition does something that is — imagine this for a moment — more headline-grabbing than (allegedly) fooling the Secret Service. At this point, you can very reasonably say you didn’t know about Michaele Salahi’s plans. In fact, you’ve said she gave you the impression she was invited. But now you do know, and everybody knows you do.
I know you’re fond of the catchphrase “Watch what happens.” I think it’s safe to say a lot of people will be taking you up on that.
“I still say you’re an idiot for not falling in love with me.”
They say never judge a book by its cover, and Andy would make our 3rd grade teachers who instilled that idea in us very proud. Contrary to the love-soaked, mushy title Dear Old Love: Anonymous Notes to Former Crushes, Sweethearts, Husbands, Wives, and Ones That Got Away is a clever collection of not-so-predictable love letters. These aren’t your grandparents’ love letters however. This is the brainchild of Andy Selsberg, who also runs the website DearOldLove.com—the basis of this clever book. With references to pop culture (The day you changed your Facebook status to “Engaged,” I spent 40 minutes in the shower so my boyfriend wouldn’t hear me crying) and silly ways of expressing how much love is felt for another person (Every time I drove you home, I prayed for traffic.) this is a can’t miss book.
Here are a few examples from the website:
I’ll be waiting for you after your mild fame evaporates.
The day I admit to my grandmother that we broke up is the day I start getting over you.
My love for you is like a mummy — carefully preserved, with the brains yanked out.
You couldn’t even tell the difference between a set of pliers and a wrench, but still you were the best man I’d ever met.
I may have exaggerated my devotion to sports to win you, but my love of sitting, eating and watching things was genuine.
If you break my heart again I will definitely break your skateboard.
How could you stand me? I’m glad you did, but I was such a jerk and poor dresser back then.
I drive by the bar we spent so much of the summer at. I often see your truck on karaoke night. Please don’t sing “It Just Comes Natural” to any other woman, or ever again for that matter.
You were music and coffee. I was books and tea.
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