Crowdology: Get a Pen and Paper, Your Test Will Not be Open-Book!

I am an easily frustrated person. I am also creative, charitable, funny (at least I think so), and an animal lover, so don’t hold it against me. There is something about being in the middle of large crowds that turns my mild frustration into pure anxiety and rage. I don’t think I have a phobia, nor social anxiety. Those would both suggest that I develop this feeling for apparently no reason, and I assure you there is a reason! I think I just get worked up over people who don’t know how to act in a social setting. So for those of you who were, perhaps, not taught as a child what is acceptable and unacceptable whilst in a crowd, please take out your college rule and a pencil and jot down some notes. Do it for the rest of us, we beg of you!

Rule #1—On the Road
Road rage is a term we all know and I’m sure have felt (perhaps not acted upon) at one point in our lives. And for me the main cause of this rage is the result of one “driving don’t”: staying in the passing lane. In case you were never told, the far left lane on the highway is reserved for passing slower moving cars in front of you. It is not your own special VIP lane meant for you to drive 5 MPH under the speed limit in. There is a reason there is no one in front of you and a line of cars a mile long behind you. People in the passing lane mean business, and if you are in the way of them getting around the little old lady next to you there might be repercussions. This being said, whipping around the slow mover on the right hand side isn’t going to solve the problem either. Once one car begins this trick, the rest begin to follow, leaving our slow-moving-passing-lane-car stuck in the passing lane. Instead try this trick: creep up within inches of the slow-mover, and when the opportunity comes for the car to get over and let you pass wave your arms frantically (out the window if possible, making a violent pointing motion) until they get the hint. The cars behind you will be forever grateful.

Rule #2—At the Game

Section 1. Seat Kicking
St. Louis is a huge baseball town, and nothing is quite like a night at the ballpark: the open air, the beer in my hand, the crack of the bat hitting the ball…the incessant kicking of my chair?? Nothing is more annoying than someone in your space…anywhere. I don’t need a perpetual tapping on the back of my chair, nor do I want your feet by my shoulder, nor you belongings hitting me in the head. Get you stuff, sit down, and do your best not to touch anyone around you. Simple enough.

Section 2. Seat Stealing
It is common practice at sporting events to buy cheap tickets, and then move down to better empty seats. A polite person would wait until a bit of the game has past to ensure that the patrons processing the tickets to said-good-seat aren’t just running late. But if you are impatient enough to pull for that better seat before the game starts, don’t play like you misread your ticket. If I come down to my seats, I don’t want your excuses. Just tell me you were hoping to get a better seat and you’re sorry. We’ve all done it! And above all, NEVER tell me, “Oh, well someone was in our seats,” while you remain sitting. I don’t care if the Pope himself is sitting in your seats eating Cracker Jacks, get out of my seat! It isn’t musical chairs, it’s a ball game!

Section 3. Leaving/ Returning to Seats
This next section is not just to help you avoid being rude, but in some games (i.e. hockey) it is for your safety. DO NOT leave or return to your seat until there is a break in the game. Not only is it rude to stand up, blocking everyone’s view of an on-going game, but in some games you could get hit with debris from the game. Think before you leave to go tink!

Section 4. Extra Exit Procedure Bonus!
When leaving a sporting event, mobs tend to flock towards the exits. This can be particularly time consuming when there are winding stairs or ramps involved. If this is the case, always veer toward the outside of the crown. When doing down winding stairs or ramps, everyone always huddles toward the turn because there is less distance from level to level. However, all those people crammed together make the process much slower. If you veer to the outside of the turn you might be physically walking a bit farther, but the crowd is more dispersed and you will get out sooner!

Rule #3—At the Amusement Park
Amusement Parks are places of many cultures, as visitors frequently go for a day of fun. Know, first off, that personal space differs from culture to culture—person to person—but amusement parks are hot, people sweat, and I don’t want to smell you, so give the people around you adequate space. When walking around the park, please do not stop mid-walk to admire something. There is a certain flow to the traffic, and you stopping in your tracks right in front of me might end up with you wearing my funnel cake. Just like in driving, pull over to the side before you stop. (This rule is basically translated to any area with a defined walkway: i.e. malls, grocery stores, school hallways).

Rule #4—In the Grocery Store
There is something about grocery stores that makes folks throw everything they ever learned about being in a social situation out the window. There’s a lot of ground to cover here, so I’ll try to go quick:

1. If you can’t handle your children, don’t bring them to the grocery store!
2. If you see someone trying to get something out of the area you are clearly blocking with your cart, move it!
3. Don’t come barreling out of the aisles like a Mack Truck. There are other shoppers in the store, so stop and make sure your negligent driving isn’t going to kill one.
4. If you’re in the “20 Items of Less” lane, you better have 20 items or less.
5. Thank the deli lady.

Rule #5—At the Movies
Don’t talk! It’s as simple as that, yet I have been to so many movies that were ruined by a talker. Don’t do it.

That’s all I have for you for now. I don’t want to over-load you. I will try to post more as they become blatantly apparent in my life. OR feel free to comment and leave a “morons in society” pet peeve of your own!

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